“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and in intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

Ralph Waldo Emerson has always been one of my favorite philosophers. The clarity with which he wrote about the human experience seems to convey my fuzzy thoughts and feelings. It is as if Emerson looked inside me and printed onto the page the words that reflect the turmoil or thoughts that I am experiencing. This is NOT to say that I believe myself to be on Emerson’s level – far from that!! It is just that his writings always touch me in such a personal way that I can relate as if he and I were sitting down chatting over a nice cup of hot chocolate and his words were chosen carefully for the lesson that I needed imparted to me.

How often is it that we are comfortable being ourselves in the privacy of our home? How is it that we are in a group that we become someone else – taking on the attitudes and behaviors we perceive as being favored by those in our company? How hard it is to be completely true to ourselves when in the presence of people whom are not part of our immediate family! How we wish to have everyone love us and accept us for who we are yet we put on a facade in hopes to make a better impression. Even as we walk down the street, we try to present an air of confidence which we may not truly feel. Acceptance and insecurity. We seek to be accepted and we are insecure about being accepted as we are by others.

I find myself all too often concerned with being liked by others. Did he misunderstand what I was trying to say? Did she misread my body language as being standoffish instead of being uncertain in the situation? Does he think that I am uneducated because I cannot contribute to the current conversation? Does she think that I am rude because I am not good at engaging in small talk? Did my attempt to be funny come across as idiotic? Was my awkward attempt to reach out and make a new friend interpreted as needy?

As I deal with my insecurities, I remind myself of my strengths. It is during these times that I focus on who I really am and the person that I wish to grown into. As I strive to be the best person I can be in all of my roles, I hope that others are able to see me for who I really am and love me anyway.

• The quick and easy recovery of my grandma who had a heart attack and splint put in a week ago.
• The boys giggling as they are playing in the backyard. Such a beautiful sound!!
• The unseasonably warm day.
• The presents of my wonderful husband who is working from home today.
• The peace of knowing that all that *needs* to be accomplished will be.
• Our loving and supportive extended family.
• The time to spending reading on topics of interest to me.
• The rich resources available to us at our public library. (Our oldest son checked a framed print out to display in our home – he wanted it for his bedroom, but we aren’t so sure it will be in one piece if left in there. LOL!)
• Watching our oldest go into the prints room at the library and see one that he said was “beautiful” and ask if he could check it out (we had never done so before). It was great to see in interest in art and appreciate its beauty.
• The geese returning from the South.

What has blessed your life today?

What is tomorrow without today?
What is a marriage without love?
What is the future without hope?
What is food without nourishment?
What is an embrace without caring?
What is knowledge without learning?
What is friendship without sharing?
What is love without giving of ourselves?

All of these are empty vessels if without the substance behind them that make each a wonderful blessing. I choose these blessings with their beautiful meanings intact. May your life be full of these blessings and many more!

If we all wish for the days of our childhood when we were free of adult responsibilities, why are we pushing our children to grow up so fast by taking away their free time and instituting formal education at a younger and younger age? Why is it that we wish to be carefree and playful like children yet we are always telling our children to be quiet, “act your age” (which is another way of saying “you aren’t behaving like a miniature adult), and quit goofing off? Is it because we are jealous at their ability to truly enjoy life to the fullest while we are weighted down by the responsibilities of adulthood?

I am going to try harder to let my children be children. It is hard to just let them be kids sometimes, but that is what their job is – to be kids! They make messes. They investigate things. They are exuberant. They are God’s blessings to us. Lets delight in them enjoying the world!

Where is your favorite place at your house to be? Mine is my bed! No, not for sleeping or other fun activities although I do enjoy those endeavors very much! My bed is a place that I love to spend time in alone or with DH or our DSs. I enjoy laying around on our bed just talking about our day or even more important topics such as our inner most thoughts and dreams or the problems we are facing. It is interesting that the bed brings an intimacy in our conversations that is unmatched (I am referring to ANY time of the day while on top of a made bed and fully clothed). We feel better able to share our thoughts and feelings and they seem to flow better out of the unconscious. Tickle matches with the kids are great on the bed. My bed represents a safe place. It is cozy and warm. It comforts me. It is a place that I can be completely myself. I love laying in bed and reading. There is something about being curled up in the covers with *my* pillow while immersing myself in a good book. Even as I type this, I am sitting on my bed enjoying the comfort that my bed affords me. I think that part of the draw of my bed is the fact that growing up, my bed was the ONLY place that was truly my own. You see, I have always shared a room with my sister who is 19 months younger than me (most of the time that was a 10′ x 10′ room with only enough room for each of us to have a bed and a dresser and a 4′ space between). And, being that we were so close in age we shared most everything – whether we wanted to or not. So, my bed was the only thing that I could always count on as being only mine. It was my sanctuary, and it still is. I am very blessed to have such a warm and cozy place to retreat to!

A funny picture just popped into my mind as I opened this post. Dori from Finding Nemo singing, “Just keep swimming.” How often that is our mantra. Just keep on keeping on. Today we didn’t accomplish everything that I would have liked, but we did get quite a bit done. The chores that aren’t completed will wait until tomorrow as we just keep going about our day until we are able to complete all of the items on our list. We have slowed our pace and are taking more time to enjoy our daily lives. As some tasks pile up keeping me feeling “just keep swimming,” I am also appreciating each and every day more – even if less is being done.

Have you ever found yourself barraged by internal turmoil? It is at this point in my life that I am both liberated and confined. I am liberated in the sense that I know who I am, who I would like to be and what I am capable of. I am confined in the sense as I have a family to take care of (which I very much love doing!) and do not have the freedom to pursue my dreams in the way one can tend to them as a single person. This is not to say that I wish I didn’t have my wonderful family – alas, it is my wonderful family which is truly my biggest dream. I simply wish that I were a more complete person so that I could fulfill the needs and wants of the precious people all around me more wholly and be completely satisfied myself. I always wanted to be little Miss Susie Homemaker (pre-prison, lol) who could take care of the house, her children, her husband, and herself effortlessly (or at least without falling to complete pieces). But, that is not who I am. I still dream of being that person, but at least I know that is not really the person that I am and have reduced the amount of times which I compare myself to that “perfect mom/wife.” I wish that I could have the perfect (tidy and ALWAYS company-ready) house, the perfect way of raising my children (one in which I felt that I was the one in control all of the time), the perfect relationship with my husband, and enough time AND energy to pursue personal interests and hobbies. As the kids get older and I am grasping a better handle of keeping the house under control, I inch towards this elusive dream of perfection. But, as for today, I settle for the perfection of two precious sons sleeping peacefully after a fun-filled day and the time to sit and blog for self purposes. That is as close to perfection as this day will come and I am content with that!